LEADERSHIP CONVERSATIONS

Overview

Changing the Conversation

As already discussed, the role and structure of leadership is changing. Part of this is the responsibility of delivering transformational change and improved staff engagement. The story of organisations and what works has changed dramatically in the last thirty years, and cognitively there is an understanding that taking time to think, share ideas and involve people is a good idea.

However, this is rarely translated into practice as mechanistic models, hierarchical power and influence from the old world are still very visible and their impact felt. This links with the earlier thinking about “the organisation as a machine”. The impact of electronic communication, flexible working, and a consistent demand to do more with less and do it better mean there seems to be little space to embrace thinking in a new way to get new decisions, new engagement and real transformation.

At the heart of this approach is the creation of time and space to think and a belief that people can and will do that when the environment and pattern of inquiry are designed as enablers to great thinking. This differs from meetings with agendas, team plans and performance conversations. It is a space and time that gets to the heart of thinking and feeling within the organisation and discovers how this can be harnessed to deliver real transformational change.

Thinking Space and Thinking Environments

We plan for lots of things in life, from paying our bills on time to supporting friends and family. We come to work, make lists, reply to emails, and engage with others. However, we often don’t think about the conditions that we want to create to be able to be as effective and influential as we want to be. This section of the toolbox introduces the idea of creating Thinking Space and Thinking Environments. You can hear Fiona introduce this below.

Thinking Environments is typified by:

• The thinker thinking for themselves. It’s for anyone who wants to create the space to think and think differently
• The thinking partner acting as a custodian, taking care of the thinking through attention, appreciation and ease. Our only objective is to help you to think better for yourself
• The use of a specific framework for inquiry – including the Appreciative Inquiry 4D model and patterns of questions based on the work of Nancy Kline – designed from theory applied in practice

The work around Thinking Environments and Listening without Interruption has been the life passion of Nancy Kline. The fundamental principles are around creating independent thinkers by holding space with specific rules of engagement and behaviours. It all sounds simple! Having trained with Nancy many years ago, I have been motivated to change my own listening, coaching and facilitation habits, and I am the better for it.

Listen to a short audio interview with Nancy and get a sense from her about what has driven her work and her desire to listen without interruption.

 

 

Undoubtedly it takes time, practice, and a commitment to letting go of ego, for it is our ego that drives our interruption. This way of listening does not mean that you do not get to contribute, instead you take turns, hearing each other for agreed periods of time before the other speaks. This could be anything from 5 minutes to 45 minutes depending on what is being spoken about. Depending which programme you are on, you may have Nancy’s latest book as a text ‘The Promise That Changes Everything’. If not, I highly recommend it to get you thinking about independent thinking.

Useful for

• Encouraging directness, authenticity and personal accountability, holding up the mirror
• Assuming that positive personal and team relationships are critical to business success
• Giving structure to the emotional dimension of your thinking and the impact on your effectiveness
• Exploring assumptions and clarify decisions that you want to make now
• Surfacing doubts and concerns, blind spots and unintended consequences
• Creating the thinking that leads to real development and change

Resources: Thinking Space

Levels of Listening and Inquiry

Otto Scharmer and his colleagues at MIT have identified four levels of listening and inquiry. This is linked to the work on Powerful Questions and Appreciative Inquiry. The four levels of listening are:

Downloading
Listening from the assumption that you already know what is being said, and therefore listening only to confirm habitual judgments.

Factual
You pick up new information… factual, debates, and speak your mind. Factual listening is when you pay attention to what is different, novel, or disquieting from what you already know.

Empathic
You see something through another person’s eyes. Empathic listening is when the speaker pays attention to the feelings of the speaker. It opens the listener and allows an experience of standing in the other’s shoes to take place. Attention shifts from the listener to the speaker, allowing for deep connection on multiple levels.

Generative
This deeper level of listening is difficult to express in linear language. It is a state of being in which everything slows down and inner wisdom is accessed. In group dynamics, it is called synergy. In interpersonal communication, it is described as oneness and flow.

 

Resource: Levels of listening and inquiry

IMPORTANT CONVERSATIONS

We get what we tolerate. This is true in all our life relationships, from families of origin to work teams and to social friendships.

What we do away from work is of course our choice, however, if at work we have a responsibility to lead, then the choice about what we tolerate – or more likely just don’t challenge has an impact on leadership impact, team cohesion and organisational culture. Often, we give ourselves permission to not have the conversations we need to have because we are afraid of the emotional and personal consequences.

In her book “Fierce conversations”, Susan Scott states in the introductory chapter, as a “…guide to tackling your toughest challenges and enriching relationships with everyone important to your success and happiness through principles, tools, and assignments designed to direct you through your first fierce conversations with yourself on to the most challenging and important conversations facing you.

1. Master the courage to interrogate reality

At first glance, it seems like a nonsensical thing to do. Reality just is, it needn’t be interrogated. We live in the present and the spread of the internet has rendered all of us more informed than ever before. Right? Well, not so much. We connect with the people who are similar to us, we follow blogs and channels that interest us and say what we want to hear. Most people live in their own bubble and are not really aware of when and how things change. Or how other people change, for that matter. Getting out of the comfort zone and probing how things truly stand is highly necessary.

2. Come out from behind yourself, into the conversation, and make it real

Susan Scott says that it is not the genuine conversations we should dread but the unreal ones – they may not be uncomfortable while they are happening but in the long run, they are the ones that are detrimental. Talking just for the sake of talking does not solve anything and in the end, proves to run rather expensive both for the individual and for the organization. When it’s paramount for things or people to change in order to get out of a situation or to simply make some progress, a real conversation is key. It will lead to transformation before it is even over.

3. Be here, prepared to be nowhere else

A difficult conversation requires a true presence. There is a lot of value placed these days on a thing called “mindfulness”. It’s the art (or skill) of being in the moment and dealing with it as it happens instead of wondering what could have gone differently in the past or projecting what the future will look like. It’s not guaranteed that an organization or an individual will change because of one discussion but it’s not impossible either. A hard talk has to be planned and carried out with the utmost attention and participation. Otherwise, it won’t count.

4. Tackle your toughest challenge today

We all tend to avoid or postpone things that make us uncomfortable. While that is natural, it is also counterproductive because we end up carrying around a burden or worry a lot longer than it would be necessary. Once the problem is named it is almost solved. Figuring out what the greatest issue is and dealing with it on the spot instead of floating it to undefinable times will ensure a much smoother path. Getting rid of the daunting agenda and staying current with those who are really important will bring a better vibe and a greater chance of success.

5. Obey your instincts

Our instincts are responsible for our survival and evolution. They come from the oldest part of our brain and to this day are responsible for all decision making. The limbic brain, however, does not have the capacity for language, so most of the time when we do or don’t do something we can’t really explain our reasons and resort to “it’s just a gut feeling”. In difficult conversations, it’s important to not only trust but actually go with instincts. It’s yet another way of being present, aware, and (though it doesn’t seem like for lack of worded arguments) in control.

6. Take responsibility for your emotional wake

This principle is my personal favorite because as a trainer I have often had to deliver feedback that was not necessarily great. For a long time, the company requirement was that I do so in a “sandwich manner” – say something positive, give the ‘constructive’ criticism, and end with something even more positive. There was a great fear of hurting feelings or giving wrong impressions, but that’s precisely what happened. A genuine message has to be delivered without this kind of negative load. One of the most powerful insights of this book is that the conversation is not about the relationship; the conversation is the relationship.

7. Let silence do the heavy lifting

When there is too much talk in a conversation, ideas are very likely to be lost between words. Just as motivational speakers know that pauses are needed in order for things to sink in and reach the cords they were meant to, fierce conversations need silence as well. Insight occurs in the spaces between the words being spoken. Memorable talks have breathing time and allow for inner dialogue. That’s where a-ha moments happen and that is how true change occurs.

Conclusion
I find there is no better conclusion to this model than the one of the author’s herself: “We must answer the big questions in our organizations. What are the questions that need posing? Philosophers, theologians, scientists, and great teachers have debated this for ages:

What is real?
What is honest?
What is quality?
What has value?

We effect change by engaging in robust conversations with ourselves, our colleagues, our customers, our family, the world. Whether you are governing a country, running an organization, or participating in a committed personal relationship, your ability to effect change will increase as you become more responsive to your world and to the individuals who are central to your happiness and success…”

Assertiveness and Important Conversations

Assertiveness is one of the single most effective characteristics you can acquire in your working life. You are more likely to get what you want in half the time and without treading on everyone’s toes in the process.

Assertive behaviour is the ability to communicate your own thoughts and wishes in a clear, direct and non-aggressive way. It’s about knowing where you stand and communicating from this starting point.

With life’s experiences and knocks, we pick up all sorts of behaviour patterns – good and bad – that make us who we are.  We end up assuming bad traits are part of our true self when in fact they’re not.  Just as it’s not good to be aggressive, it’s not good to let people take advantage of you. The answer in an age where people are increasingly resorting to bullying is to be assertive. This is directly related to the work we have done on Transactional Analysis earlier in the programme.

Being more assertive will raise your self-esteem and give you the confidence to resist bully tactics and emotional blackmail without resorting to aggression.  People who develop good communication skills are able to diffuse difficult situations. Naturally, this will help in your personal relationships too. Far from being more difficult to deal with, being assertive will make you easier to deal with, because people will know where they stand with you. Assertive behaviour also promotes a positive response in others.

Here are the positive ways that assertiveness is beneficial – both to yourself and those who come into contact with you:

• You are taking control of both your life and its individual activities
• Others respect you – and you have a high level of self-respect
• It allows and encourages others to respond assertively to you
• You demonstrate the respect you have for others
• There’s less likelihood of conflict, anger or aggression being a disruptive factor in your life
• You develop a high level of self-esteem: your aim is to live up to the standards you set for yourself rather than trying to guess and work to other people’s expectations of you
• You allow other people to be in control of their lives.  You give them room to manoeuvre in awkward situations

Bestselling author Susan Scott has been working as a leadership development architect for more than two decades. She is the founder of Fierce, Inc., a global training company that helps Global 1000 companies generate significant results by transforming the conversations central to their success. Listen to her talk about her concept of ‘Fierce Conversations’.

Align what you have discovered and where your thinking has taken you to the work on Transactional Analysis: what patterns are emerging about how you engage with challenging and important conversations?